


don't make me fall in love with you (i don't think i'm right for you)

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Dancing, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt, i dont know what else to tag this as..., i dunno, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23514187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: emile is a dancer. remy's an admirer.(warnings at the beginning note)
Relationships: Dr. Emile Picani & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	don't make me fall in love with you (i don't think i'm right for you)

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: crying, feeling of not good enough, slight angst(?), and pining.
> 
> i kind of ended this abruptly, so i might make a chapter two of this. i don't know.

Remy’s eyes watched as Emile danced his way around the room. Remy wasn’t afraid to admit they were infatuated with him and did not care to make a secret that they had feelings for Emile. But for some reason, as Remy watched Emile dance, they felt vulnerable and exposed; the more their eyes followed Emile, the more they felt like hiding away. Soon, they realized this was because when Emile danced, no one else in the room mattered. He did not do it intentionally, but his dancing told the world that no one had the same elegance as he did.

Remy loved watching Emile dance. Not in a creepy way; they loved to see him turn and jump around the room. He always had a peaceful face whenever he danced, almost as if he was able to disconnect himself from the world. Remy envied Emile for that; they envied him for having an escape from this demented world. But they could never be furious with Emile for having such a thing. Dancing suited him and he was too good at it to be stopped.

Remy was not afraid to talk to Emile. They would always come up to him and strike up a conversation. But every time Emile danced, they lost the ability to speak; they could not comprehend anything. How could such beauty exist? It kept them up at night to the point they would cry thinking about it – thinking about him. Emile was too good for anyone, too good for them.

Every afternoon Remy would ask, “May I see you dance?” And Emile would look at them with a knowing, mischievous smile.

“Of course,” he’d reply, every time. “Anything for my favorite admirer.” This would cause Remy to blush and lose all sense of themself. 

The first time Remy saw him dance, they almost lost their balance. They almost collided with the ground and felt themself go numb. They couldn’t understand what they had seen – what was this? How could one possess such perfection? And suddenly, they felt themself grow possessive; they didn’t want anyone else to pay attention to such talent. They knew this feeling was unfair to Emile, but that’s how they felt. And if one were to witness such a performance, they would feel as Remy felt.

They felt themself grow jealous when people stared at Emile’s performance. Of course, they never opened their mouth – they had no right to – but they couldn’t help but feel this snarling feeling inside of them. Eventually, Emile picked up on it. He could see from Remy’s tight lips, the inability to watch him as he glazed over the dance floor and the total lack of emotion whenever they saw him perform in front of other people. Emile found a solution to this minor inconvenience – every Friday evening, he performed for Remy and Remy only. It was the both of them alone in a room and while Remy sat down watching, Emile would dance. And the same look of admiration would return to Remy’s face.

The first time Emile proposed this, Remy was perplexed; why would someone want to dance for them only? It was a thought they could not understand. Why would someone want to share their talent with only them in the room?

Seeing Remy’s eyes gloss with confusion, Emile had held their hand and said: “You are my favorite admirer, remember? I would be crushed if you did not accept, but I’d respect it. It is your decision and I can not force you to decide.”

Without hesitation, Remy said, “I accept.”

Emile smiled and squeezed their hand. Remy could still feel the touch of Emile’s warm hands for the rest of the day.

So every Friday afternoon Remy watches Emile dance, and every Friday afternoon they realize they realize their feelings for Emile intensify.

It’s not that they were hiding it – because they were certain Emile was aware of Remy’s feelings for him – they were simply afraid of being tangled in Emile’s life even further because they did not want to throw Emile off his balance. They couldn’t bear the thought of being the one to mess up his routine.

Emile was aware of Remy’s hesitation; he knew they had some doubts, but never understood what they were. He tried to confront them many times but they never gave him a proper answer. Emile wished he could tap into Remy’s mind and allow them to understand that Emile, too, wanted what they wanted; to never leave their side; to whisper sweet words into their ear to make them blush; to wake up next to them in the morning; to have them in his arms for as long as they desire.

“Why haven’t you asked me out yet?” Emile had asked them one day.

Remy did not find the need to act dumb, “I don’t think I am suited for you.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

They tried again, “I don’t think we match.”

“Now you are just making things up.”

Remy shrugged; they did not know what to tell him. How could they tell him that they did not feel worthy to be with him? They wanted Emile, so bad that it ached more than anything. They yearned to be with him. Even though they were by each other’s side every day, Remy wanted more. But they knew they weren't half as good as Emile, so what was the point?

Emile’s face softened as he realized the battle Remy was having with themself.

“I like you,” Emile said, plain and simple. “And I’m certain you like me too. There is no obstacle in our way except the one you have put.”

Remy balled their hand into a fist. They wished they could be easy, but unfortunately, that was not how they worked.

Emile looked at Remy with understanding, “I will not force you into anything; I couldn’t stand it if I were to hurt you. But please know that I’ll be waiting for you.” He planted a soft kiss on Remy’s cheek before walking away.

Remy stopped going to watch Emile every Friday afternoon. They did not feel that such elegance should be watched by their dull eyes. Remy did not feel good enough to be around Emile alone, and although they knew they had done this to themself, they did now know how to claw out of the cage they had put themself into. When Emile asked what was going on, Remy would give him a simple reply and walk away. They knew Emile was smart enough to realize something was bothering Remy, but if they could buy themself some time before the two of them talked, they were more than happy to continue giving him vague answers.

Remy hated avoiding Emile; it crushed them to do so. No one would want to avoid their favorite person no matter what. Whenever they saw Emile, they turned the other direction. They knew what they were doing was wrong, but they had no idea how to get rid of the sinking feeling they felt every time they talked to Emile.

Emile never stopped to make the effort to try and talk to Remy. He knew they were struggling, but with what he did not know. Emile did his best to give Remy space, to allow them to have the time to focus on themself.

But everything had its limit.

When Emile had enough of the avoidance, he finally walked up to Remy and asked them about what was going on.

“I don’t understand why you are avoiding me. It’s unfair to me and to yourself to do this. I don’t know if you need space or if you care enough to realize that this is hurting me, but I must ask you why you are doing this because I have the right to know.”

Remy looked down at their shoes in embarrassment. They could not offer Emile a good reason. They knew not to give an excuse because their behaviour had already been terrible enough; all they had left was the honest truth–which is what they should have realized from the start.

“I don’t think I’m good enough for you,” they admitted.

“That’s not true.”

“I don’t know. I just… feel that way.”

“And this is why you have been avoiding me?” Remy nodded.

“So… what? You thought avoiding me would make you feel better?”

Remy nodded, “I know it was cruel of me–”

“Yeah, it was,” Emile said harshly. “I was worried about you, Remy. I did not understand why you stopped showing up and then stopped talking to me altogether. I gave you space because I thought that would make you feel better – I guess it didn’t. But you shouldn’t have avoided me; you could have talked to me. It feels like I was being punished for something I did not do.”

“I’m sorry,” Remy said softly. “I don’t know how to make this better.”

“You can’t run away from your problems, Rem. I hope you know that now.”

Tears began flooding down Remy’s face. They felt their wall of emotions crumble down and suffocate them. Why they were suddenly overcome with emotions, they had no idea. What they did know was that this was never going to end and they could not shut it down. They covered their face with their hands, hoping that no one would see them. But of course no one would; it was just the two of them there, and the only one watching this time was Emile. When Remy looked up, they realized that Emile had been watching them with a look of sorrow across his face. Even though he wasn’t dancing, he still looked as beautiful and elegant as ever. Remy did not know how they ever thought they could avoid someone with such grace and compassion. Emile had made no move to comfort them with a hug, and Remy understood why.

“I’m sorry for hurting you and avoiding you. I did not know how to tell you that you are worthy of someone who has more to offer than I do.” Remy said, swimming through their tears.

“You need to understand that you do not have less of a value than anyone. I can’t be the one to make you believe this – you need to believe it yourself before anything can happen.” And with that, Emile walked away, leaving Remy to cry on their own.

Now with having his Friday afternoons free, Emile went out with his other friends. He wasn’t avoiding Remy, but since they still were not making the effort to connect with him, he did not find the need to spend his Friday afternoons waiting for someone who did not want to see him. It hurt Emile, knowing that he had to be away from Remy. However, if this is what they wanted and needed in order to feel better, then Emile was willing to do anything for them.

The two would cross paths, sometimes; Remy would offer Emile a small smile while Emile would wave at them awkwardly. Neither of them knew what to do with each other. For some reason, there was a sense of tension between them – a discomfort neither of them wanted to dwell on. It hurt them both to feel like strangers to each other, and they yearned for better times – for each other. Remy missed watching Emile’s gentle voice, his ferocious touch and his lustrous eyes they loved drowning in. Emile missed Remy’s boisterous self, their way of fitting right into his life and the confidence they radiated. They missed everything about each other.

And yet, as much as they craved each other, neither of them could reach for the other.


End file.
